“For the love of Christ! What are you doing?” Jackson yells as Allen’s foot tries to slam a hole through the car’s carpeted metal floor. Allen says nothing, but a smile slowly creeps into his cheeks. Jackson is holding onto the “oh shit” handle and braces himself against the leather back of his seat.
“If you want to die, that’s on you, but you don’t have to drag me with you.” Jackson’s Brooklyn accent is not something he has been able to completely drop. When he’s calm, he can tuck it away neatly. But when stress put the pressure on him or when he was heated, he didn’t even realize how much it was changing his words.
He had come to Ohio to get away from the city and the noise. That’s what people did, right? They grew up in the city and would either love it or try like hell to leave. Jackson had tried like hell and had succeeded. He had found a little backwoods home in the middle of nowhere. When he told people the name of the town he now lived in, they gave him confused looks so he started using other towns to describe it.
“It’s about 20 minutes north of Juliette. You ever heard of Ross?” They would nod vaguely aware that it sounds familiar. “Yeah, it’s just before that.” It was true that the town was nothing more than fields and trees with a few houses or parishes scattered here and there. Sometimes the quiet would keep Jackson up at night. He missed the city sounds at times, but also smiled when he thought about how infrequently he heard sirens. His town didn’t even have a police station. Every two months or so you may see a state trooper cruise through, but that’s really all he did; he cruised through and didn’t pay any attention.
He was wishing this was one of those days that the trooper may cruise by, see the speeding car, and do something about it. Allen’s foot wasn’t letting up. That smile was still eerily plastered on his face. Jackson turned to face the road. He could feel the car slipping on the loose gravel.
I’m looking for inspiration. I had it in one brief moment during a ten minute break almost two weeks ago. Before I got a chance to finish what was sure to be at the very least interesting, my break was over. I have opened this post a few times since then and could never find the same fire that started the first paragraph. I wrote the last paragraph this morning and something just feels off about it. I also have no idea where to go from there.
It’s heartbreaking to have lost the words that only a couple months ago came so easily. I don’t know why I can’t summon words with the same ease as I did before this wretched concussion gripped my brain. I feel like the words are all jumbled and I have no idea how to unscrambled them.
I want to write again. I miss it. It’s like a part of me is in a coma and I don’t know how to wake it up. It’s lying there, I can see it. I see it’s even breathing on its own so why won’t that part wake up? I feel like it’s trying to fight the condition; a brief moment here or there where movement is detected. Yet in the end, that part of me is still sleeping.
I want my writer self back! She needs to wake up! I can’t feel the release my soul needs without her. I feel couped up and like the words are building up inside me. I fear the pressure will build too high. I fear she will be lost forever if that pressure should finally cause an explosion.
I try to use prompts, but end up deleting the post because it doesn’t make sense. I can’t do it without my writer self. Without her inside my brain feeding me the lines deep from within my soul, I am nothing but a shell. My soul is resting inside her body and I fear it may just disappear.