Pros & Cons of An Analytical Mind

Having an analytical & restless mind can be a good thing and a bad thing.

Pros:

  • You are good at problem solving.
  • You enjoy any type of puzzle.
  • You remember events and conversations because they play over and over in your head.
  • You can find the best in a situation.
  • You’re never bored because you observe things that need done.
  • You know within a matter of minutes what type of personality someone has.

Cons:

  • You remember events and conversations because they play over and over in your head.
  • You can find the worst in a situation.
  • Because you always see stuff that needs done, you become overwhelmed easily.
  • You read into things too often and see things that aren’t there.
  • You stay conscious during tramatic events because your brain knows you couldn’t handle not knowing what happened.
  • You have a hard time falling asleep at night.
  • You over-analyze meaningless conversations.
  • You try to figure out what people are thinking about you.
  • You want it all to stop.

I just want the images to go away. I want to stop seeing them. I want to stop seeing the face that is so red it matches his hair. I want to stop seeing her gray face and hearing her moan. I want to stop hearing the sound of metal on metal. I want to stop feeling the sharp pain in my hip. I want to stop hearing the pain in his voice as he says those three simple words; I’m so sorry.

I want to forget the sound of the airbag exploding in my face. I want to forget the panic of not being able to find my phone to call my husband. I want to forget the terror that filled my heart when I saw the car in my rearview mirror. I want to forget how helpless I felt. I want to forget how hard it was to breathe; how hard it still is. I want to forget the ringing in my ears, the blood in my nose, the cut inside my lip, the burn on my arm, the bruise on my chest.

It only took seconds but so much went through my head as I stopped and looked in the rearview. I knew it was coming before I even looked. I could already hear the sound. I could already feel the jar. Seeing that car in my rearview was just confirmation. My worst fear was happening. I kept telling myself I was ok. I keep repeating that I walked away. But I also keep hearing that sound. I keep feeling that fear. I keep feeling the panic of not being able to breathe. I feel crazy. 

Sure, my car got towed. I walked away, however, with what most would consider minor injuries. I keep telling myself it’s not like the first accident where I had a hospital stay. I walked into the ER. I walked out of the ER. I am sore as hell, but I’m walking. And yet, I can’t think about it for too long without breaking down. I try distractions to keep my mind busy. I try so hard to avoid the thoughts, but they come anyway.

Every move reminds me of what happened. Every time my arm rubs against something, I remember the details. When the bruise on my leg rests against something hard, I’m taken back. Every breath I take reminds me of the jolt my body felt. When I wake up with my head throbbing, I hear the ringing in my ears. I see the white airbag. I smell the sulfur. I feel the rough fabric of the curtain airbags. I feel my hands shaking so much I can barely hold the phone to talk to my husband, can barely write my statement. Tears pool in my eyes and blur my view. My head pounds all day.

It’s not like the other accident; I know that. It just takes me back. Why did this happen? Why did the vehicle have to be a Jeep? Why did it have to be within a mile from home? Why do there have to be similarities? Am I being overdramatic? Am I analyzing this too closely? Why won’t my brain shut up?

Then comes what scares me even more. I’m repeating myself. I’m forgetting things. I’m writing the same thing twice on the same piece of paper. I’m writing the wrong dates and not just a day or two off, but months off. When I meant to write 7/31, I wrote 12/31 without a second thought. 

I’m frustrated. I’m hurting. I’m tired. I’m sore. I’m scared. For the first time in my life I’m scared to drive. For the first time in my life I’m scared to go back to work. I don’t want to write the wrong thing or repeat myself. I don’t want to forget who I’m supposed to call or what kind of help they need.

How do I heal? What do I do? I feel so confused and lost. Why do I wake up with those images in my mind? Why do they repeat over and over? Why do I have to hear the sound over and over? What do I do? How do I find my way again?

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