Is It Worth It?

Laying flat on my back, I stare at the black behind my eye lids.

A touch of vodka lingers in my system.

A touch to help me sleep, but I was only being silly.

What could possibly help me sleep tonight?

I go over my speech in my head.

The thought of all those faces staring at me in silence.

My voice the only thing to ring through the room.

My heart begins to race.

My stomach twists and turns.

All those faces.

I continue going over the words.

I need to remember to do my power stance tomorrow.

My power stance?

For a 5 minute presentation?

My eyes fly open and I pull my mask up.

I reach for my phone and make a reminder.

I lay down and stare at the black again.

I start to go back over the words.

I pull my mask off again and remove the reminder.

We aren’t going over that tomorrow.

I lay back down.

Words sing in my head.

I tell my brain to slow down.

I tell it to stop.

It doesn’t.

I look at the clock.

Have I really been laying here awake for an hour?

Will it really be only 4 hours until I rise?

Finally sleep comes to my aid.

Well…Maybe not.

A dream interwoven with bouts of waking.

A dream about today and how terrible it will be.

3:30 comes too soon.

I want to be at home.

I don’t want to be 4 hours away from the one person who can guide me through it.

Too many hours spent fixing potential problems.

Too many hours spent doing the job of another.

Too much time spent with people I don’t love.

As I sit writing this I wonder.

Is it worth it?


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