Cranky and Irritated

I just woke up. Literally less than 3 minutes ago and I’m already irritated. I went to bed early last night, but I woke up half a dozen times. The first time my back was completely drenched in sweat and I had coughed myself awake. I went into the other room to grab a cough drop and my husband reminded me to put some Vicks on so that was my next step. I slathered that on my chest, still half asleep and laid back down. I fell asleep fairly quickly.

I had still been hot when I laid back down so I left my covers off. The next time I woke up I was freezing. As I’m putting my covers back on I realize I still have a small piece of the cough drop in my mouth. Idiot that I am, I fell asleep with a cough drop in my mouth that could have choked me as I slept!

I woke up several other times for what I could see as no reason at all. Then my alarm started going off and I kept slapping the snooze. Finally I realized I need to get up and get ready for work. Only I’m not ready to get ready for work. Yesterday I stood in my scarf and coat with my backpack on and just stared at my door for about 30 seconds.

That’s how my days have been lately. There’s this internal debate about whether or not I even want to go to work. It’s not about the work, I like what I do. It’s not about the people, even though I could do without ever seeing some of them. It’s not about the fact that I’m feeling stuck with little room to grow. It’s about the fact that I’m not doing what I love.

I’ve always prided myself in going after what I want. When I pushed to go back to school, I thought I was pushing for what I wanted. It wasn’t until recently I realized I was pushing for that because the only direction I know to move is up and in order to move up I need a degree. But I’m moving up in the wrong field. I’m moving up in the information technology field. I’m moving toward a goal, but not my ultimate goal.

In fact, I feel like I’m not even making these decisions. I feel like I’m living someone else’s life.

So I wrote that first part yesterday and ran out of time because I woke up late. Now I’m going to try to finish it.

I make the decision to get up and go to work, but I feel more like a robot following the commands of some programming rather than my self-aware brain. I made the decision to go back to school, but only because it seemed like the logical way to advance my career not because that’s where my heart is. I make the decision to do my job well, but only because I was taught to work hard, not because I really take that much pride in my work. I go through the motions day after day and I’m starting to hate it.

Almost every day I think about what would happen if I stopped. What would my boss do if I stood up and left? Didn’t say a word, just left (or didn’t show up at all). What would be the result of me crawling into bed one day and not getting out for a week? What if I went the other route and threw a major fit? Yes, a tantrum. What would my co-workers whisper if I threw my equipment across the room and screamed? 
What would my husband think if I quit my job and focused only on writing? What would he say if I came home one day and told him I’m not going back to work? That’s actually almost an easy one to answer. He’d say “We’ll figure it out.” Or something along those lines. That’s something I’ve always felt from him. He’s supportive. He would kill himself working two jobs if he had to just to make sure I’m happy and doing what I love. He’d be miserable at work, but he’d do it to make sure I’m happy. But I can’t let him sacrifice his happiness either. I love him too much. 

So I have a new plan. I work and finish the 9 classes I have left to graduate with my Associates. After that, no more school unless it is for writing. No more investing unnecessary time pushing for more in IT. In my spare time I will read articles about improving my writing, not what the latest processor is. I will work on finishing my novel, not reading about Apple vs. Android. After I finish my novel, I will work on my next idea, that I’ve had stored for years, instead of studying for a second CompTIA certification. 

I’m done reaching for a goal I don’t really want! It’s time to stop being a robot and start being my true self. Maybe I’ll even start sharing my blog on social media so that my friends and family know I’m serious about writing. Maybe I’ll actually move forward with the idea I had to sell children’s books.

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