I started writing about a tramatic experience I had. That was going to be my topic today. But I had to stop. Only a few minutes in and I couldn’t continue. This event has haunted me for years…Almost 10 years now. At the time I thought I was OK. They did a mental health analysis and decided I was mentally stable. They even asked me how I was feeling emotionally and if I felt I needed help with depression or anxiety. I should have said yes.
I think I was still in shock. I think I was OK because in crisis situations I stay calm for the benefit of others. I was a rock for my parents and my friends. At the time I thought I was OK. I thought I was fine. But now the fact that 10 years later I can’t hear the sound of sirens without coming close to a panic attack and the fact that I still cry when I go back through the details. The fact that I can’t even release that part of me through my blog without almost breaking down tells me I should have asked for help.
I thought if I can write it out on here, it may release the negative hold it has on me. But I couldn’t even get through it this morning. My personality has also changed in the last 10 years. I’m more quick to anger. I’m more anxious. I have panic attacks. I almost blacked out from panic while driving after someone had nearly run me off the road. I am hyper aware of my body.
Maybe one day I’ll get it out of my system, but that is apparently not today.