I’m Asleep

I’m asleep.

Half dead to the world.

I walk and talk.

But go nowhere, say nothing.

I go through the motions.

I even pretend to care. I don’t.

They think this is my dream.

They think this is my path.

I’m merely taking a detour.

My path is far from here.
I do feel alive from time to time.

In the wee hours of the morning.

While the world is still dark.

While my world is silent.

When there is a white space in front of me.

When my fingers rest on the keys.

When my fingers grip my pen.

This is my path.

This is when I’m awake.
In a few minutes I’ll go back to sleep.

I’ll drift through the day.

I’ll take a class that doesn’t bring me any closer to my dream.

I’ll attend a webinar that doesn’t touch my soul.

But in 24 hours, when I sit here again.

That’s when I’ll be alive again.

Failed Dinner

So my husband and I are on a low carb diet and we decided to try a substitute for grilled cheese.

Here’s the recipe.

I mean just look at how delicious they make this thing look!

Disclaimer: Don’t get all excited thinking these are my pictures. These definitely came from snapshots I took during the video. Mine were NOTHING like how beautiful these appear.

It looks like it holds together so well and you can eat it with nothing but your hands. My husband has been craving grilled cheese and so when I saw recipe I knew we needed to try it.

It was a miserable flop. I didn’t even take pictures because it was late, I was tired, and so embarrassed by how they turned out. Instead of firm “bread” slices, the slices fell apart / scattered across the pan when I tried to flip them. The flavor was good. Really good. But it was more like a cheesy cauliflower casserole than a sandwich. We ate our “sandwiches” with a spoon for Pete’s sake!

I think our first mistake was thinking we’d have to cook the cauliflower. Our second mistake was that we bought frozen cauliflower. Those may have been our only two mistakes, I’m not entirely sure. It looks like whoever made the video used uncooked, raw cauliflower. Now I’m thinking, duh! They probably used raw cauliflower because it’s firm and won’t have all the water in it that cooked or frozen cauliflower would have. Our cauliflower was pretty drenched in water after thawing it.

Neither my husband or I claim to be chefs, but we do OK. Last night was not one of those times where it actually turned out at least close to the picture. It was no where near how the picture/video looks. But, hey, it was a learning experience and I got a good laugh out of it.

25 Things in My 25th Year – Revisited

A couple years ago I was completing a 30-Day Writing Challenge. I don’t think I ever revisited a list of things I wanted to accomplish within that year. I know it’s been a couple years, but I thought I’d see if I’ve done everything on the list yet because I’m pretty sure I did not complete them all in my 25th year.

Original 30 Day Writing Challenge Post

Original “25 Things” Post

Update #1 to the “25 Things” list

  1. Check off every item on this list. Incomplete
  2. Take & pass the CompTIA Network+ exam. Complete! I passed it on December 21, 2014.
  3. Take & pass the Linux course my college offers. Take & pass the Computer/Internet Security course my college offers. Complete!
  4. Register for & begin taking their Windows Server Management course. Register for at least one more course.Complete. Not only did I register for another course, but I took several other classes before I ended up having to completely enroll in a new school because I was one of the unlucky students going to ITT when it closed.
  5. Successfully complete this 30 day writing challenge. Complete! Although I may not have checked everything off the list, I did complete the challenge.
  6. Finish writing Dr. Noph’s Nophinites (A book I’ve been working on for the last 4 years that I need to just buckle down and finish!). Incomplete. Getting closer to finishing my first draft, but still not done. 
  7. Do at least one studio photography session. Complete! I did a senior photo session for a co-worker’s son.
  8. Finish everything except the carpeting in our living room. Incomplete…We did our first coat of paint and have done some of the remodeling, but considering we made some design changes, we are not done.
  9. Clean out our garage. Complete!!!
  10. Clean out our guest room. Complete, but incomplete. I cleaned it out and then we filled it back up, but spring cleaning should fix that.
  11. Watch one of my best friends, who is basically my little brother, walk down the aisle. Complete! He’s still happily married too! Bonus!
  12. Listen to & find at least one new music artist I like. Complete! I’ve found a lot of new artists over the past 2.5 years. Halsey, Lana Del Rey, Hozier, Jessie J., Iggy Azalea, Alessia Cara to name a few.
  13. Get caught up on Sons of Anarchy so I can be ready to watch the final season. Complete!
  14. Finish Anna Karenina and read at least two more books. Complete! Finished Anna Karenina, 6 of the Lemony Snicket stories, Game of Thrones (4.8 out of 5 of them – almost done with #5) Audiobooks, and several more, along with starting Everything’s Eventual.
  15. Spend at least one afternoon at one of the largest metro parks in the U.S. with my family. I almost marked this incomplete and then I realized I did go!
  16. Finish the Johnny Depp marathon and move onto musicals with my best friend. Complete – including the musicals marathon. We’ve started Sandra Bullocks now.
  17. Cut & Color my hair, short and black. Changed my mind about this one, I’m now going to grow it out and color it red. I’m going to consider this as complete because I grew it out (still not as long as I want) and it’s back to my natural red color.
  18. Relax more and not be so uptight and anxious all the time. Complete, but incomplete. I have good days and bad days. Most are better than they were 3 years ago.
  19. Visit one place I’ve never been before. Complete! I traveled for work to a location I had never been before.
  20. Try a food I’ve never had before. Complete! I tried Orzo.
  21. See both of my grandmas at least once. Complete! One of my grandma’s did pass away and I was very glad I was able to see her one more time before she was gone forever. I was able to help feed her and connect on our love for crunchy hospital ice. I also braided her hair and was able to see her coherent and laughing.
  22. Complete all my work-related summer projects. Complete! Good thing or I may have lost my job!
  23. Pay more attention to the news. Complete! I pay a lot more attention to the news than I used to.
  24. Learn to be more patient and less hot headed. Complete…I think. This goes hand in hand with 18 I think. I’m pretty sure I’ve cooled down a bit over the years and maybe age has something to do with that. I know there are some days I still need to work on it, but for the most part I think I’ve accomplished this.
  25. And last, but not least, remember to come back to this after turning 26 and post an update on what I did and did not check off! Complete!

Two F***ing Clicks

An email comes through. Not this again. Not from that one. It’s flooded with exclamation & question marks because, God forbid, we fail to realize how crazy this problem is. “Why isn’t this working?????” She asks in dramatic frustration. It was a simple change really. But that simple change is making her head spin and her world is collapsing around her.

The email was sent to both my boss and me. “Looks like Lady is freaking out again.” He texts me. I respond with “What a surprise.” We know she can’t handle change and we know if you make one little change she will be a deer in the headlights. But not just any deer – a grumbling, confused, irritated deer that thinks everything should go back to the way it was to suit her. And if she has to do the same task, but in different ways depending on the content… God help us all.

“Well when you have the blue folder, you have to do it this way because there’s a slight difference between the blue folder and the sky blue folder.” I explain calmly.

“I just don’t get why it can’t work the same.” I take a second to mentally calm myself…again. I’m meant to be professional, right?

“Well see this folder is blue so it has its own process. And this folder is sky blue so it also has its own process. You can’t use the sky blue folder process on the blue folder because even though they are both blue, they are different shades of blue. Most of the steps will be the same, it’s just step number 5 that will be different.”

Fast forward a week.

“How do I do the blue process again? I tried following my notes, but it didn’t work.” Irritation rattles inside me.

“You are using the notes for the sky blue folder, not the blue folder.” She makes a curt snort and shakes her head, her lips pulled thin.

“Well it’s just stupid that they don’t work the same. Can’t we make the system do it this way?” That would take a programmer and lots of money and, no, we don’t have those resources.

Lady, if you look at the colors, it’s actually not that bad. It’s just step 5 that’s different.”

Anyway, back to today’s struggle. I grudgingly head to her desk. My boss didn’t want to deal with Lady and I can’t blame him. I get to her desk and she shows me what’s happening. It seems like a legitimate issue so I sit down and begin working on it. The developers warn of a security message. Yes, I see the message, but that doesn’t stop me from completing part of the task.

“See that’s what I got. Why am I getting that?” I want to smack her and ask her if she’s forgotten how to read.

“They say right here that’s what you’ll see.” I explain pointing to the instructions from the developer.

“But it wasn’t there before.”

“That’s why they sent the email explaining the change.” She still looks confused. There is a genuine issue with the link she is using, but through some digging I find another way to access it.

“So you can get to what you need?” I ask as I’ve been with her for almost 30 minutes and I just want to choke myself at this point.

“Well yeah, but I have to go through these extra steps. Why can’t I just click on the link? It usually takes me right where I need to go.” She asks with an incredulous look on her face as she clicks through the screens.

“I’m not sure why it’s not working, but it’s something they have to figure out. I can’t fix it. Show me where the link usually takes you.” I’ve already explained to her it’s not our issue and that it is what it is.

“Right here.” She says. I’m dumbfounded. It’s literally two extra clicks. TWO!!! Two whole clicks of her mouse that she didn’t have to do before. I can barely contain my “Does it fucking matter” thought.

“Well, I mean.” I begin, hoping I sound more pleasant than I feel. “Is that really a problem?” She purses her lips harder (if that’s even possible – they’ve already practically disappeared).

“Well I guess not. It would just be nice to have the link back.” I’m done. I’m not even going to continue going back and forth about the goddamn link not working. I’ve already explained it as best I can and if she still doesn’t get it, who cares. I stand and start to back away from her cube.

“Well that’s something they’ll have to fix, but for now at least you can get to your stuff.”

“Yeah, I guess.” She responds unsatisfied. It’s literally two clicks that she didn’t have to do before. But she’s so driven by her normal process and routine that those two clicks are sending her into a spiral. Two fucking clicks is all it takes to confuse the hell out of her and make her so angry her lips disappear!

As I walk away I send my boss a text expressing my feelings as he knew where I was headed.

😑🔫

Of course this is not literal. Just something that I know will make him laugh because he understands.

Lost

December 22, 2011

I want to lose myself

Lost in a world that is not this one

I want to escape

Just for a day I would like to escape the pain of the world we live in

February 23, 2017

I started this post on a very down day. I didn’t finish it because I was so depressed I didn’t even feel like writing. Some days I still feel like this. Some days I still want to just fade into nothing. To not exist. Even if just for a day. To have a day where I have no responsibility. No need to see anyone or do anything. I’d drive. I don’t know where I’d go, but I’d just drive until I found that spot. That spot that brings peace to my anxious mind. Oh to find that peace.

The Rest of the Story – Revisited

Here is the story from my “30 Minutes Before Lunch” post. I actually remember writing this and emailing it to my sisters and Mom. We used to email throughout the day. Random things. We were all working, but liked to break up our work day. Sometimes we’d get up to over 100 emails a day between the 4 of us. Now even though my sisters now are both stay-at-home moms, us 4 still text almost every day.

The Rest of the Story

Blast from the Past

Only 2 days? I’ve been feeling like such a slacker for not posting lately. So I decided I was going to post today no matter what. I looked at my history and see it’s only been two days since my last post. It feels like so much longer. 

I thought about writing of a woman who has passed about 15 years ago, but also who touched my soul so deeply I still visit her grave from time to time. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t repeating myself so I started looking through my previous posts. I discovered that there are some posts I never got around to publishing and some that need an update so over the next couple of days I’ll be pulling some of those to revisit.