Dear John

Dear John,

I looked up to you. I wanted to spend time with you. I didn’t mean to be a pest, I just wanted you to love me. I was little. I thought you were supposed to protect me. I thought you were supposed to take care of me. That’s what all the movies said. All those girls in all those movies…They were protected and loved.

You never wanted me to tag along. Although you never took a particular interest in my life, you were furious when a boy called me on Christmas just to say “Merry Christmas”. You didn’t know the boy. You didn’t know what he wanted of me, yet you acted as if he would break my heart. By the way, he never did.

When I finally did find that special someone, you wouldn’t speak to him. You wouldn’t even give him a chance. That was until we had already walked down the aisle. I cried so hard watching that video you made while deployed. I cried so hard because I finally felt love from you. I thought I was finally seen as a person instead of an annoying kid.
When you kicked me out of your house and told me I could never see your kids again for speaking my mind, I didn’t let it get to me too much. I thought it would blow over and it did. We started to have a couple special moments together – like that night my friends and I came over to drink with you. Or that night you, my special someone, and my friend had a drinking competition.

As we grew older, we started to connect over our situations and personalities. We aren’t like the other two. We do our own thing and believe our own ways. You’ve always felt like the black sheep, but that’s never what you’ve been to me. We aren’t financially set for life. We don’t have brand new cars. We don’t believe the way they believe. Yet somehow I’m still close to those two and you aren’t.

I thought we were finally gaining ground. I felt so proud when you asked me to be the photographer at your wedding. I felt special when you called me about that job opportunity even though you weren’t talking to the other two. When you actually called me instead of texting. We were almost…Normal. Then all communication stopped. Why?

All I ever wanted from you was love. I wanted you to be the one I run to when I have a broken heart, not the kid in my class who took your place because he actually cared. (Yes, I had my heart broken by someone other than the “Merry Christmas” boy, but you wouldn’t have known that because you only cared when it was convenient for you). I wanted you to be someone I could joke with. I am just starting to realize I’ve spent my entire life looking for someone to fill your shoes. I’ve found a person here or there that stays in my life for a bit before we drift apart, but never someone who could really take your place.

You have never been there for me when I needed you. You’ve hit me, yelled at me, cussed me out, and told me to never set foot in your house again, never to see your kids again. And still I continue to have dreams about you. Dreams filled with sadness.

Last night I had a dream within a dream. The first was me texting you and you never texting back. I awoke from that dream to find you had text me back and were sorry for the pain you caused and I was so relieved. I cried in both dreams. I woke in real life with a heavy chest and a lump in my throat. I decided it was time to try to release you the only way I know how.

I’m tired of you coming into my life and out of my life when you feel like it. This time without so much as an explanation. Last I knew you weren’t even mad at me. I’m done trying to find in you the one thing I never truly had. I’m done crying over you. I’m done playing your game. Civility is what will remain, but my heart will be closed. It can’t take the pain anymore.

I hope you live a happy life.

With continued love (for some strange reason),

Your little sister.

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