Insecurities are a son of a bitch! Add on an analytical mind and, BOOM, you have the makings of unchecked doom running rampid.
I wish I knew what caused my insecurities because maybe then I could fix them. If you are a confident person without insecurity, bravo! Tell me your secret! I’m not joking either, comment and tell me what you do to be more confident.
If you’ve never had insecurities, here’s an example of what goes through my head.
I’m not trying to brag but I’m smart. I’ve always had a 4.0 GPA. I don’t get it by cheating or through any other shady method. I’ve excelled in every position I’ve ever held. I work my ass off and I get good grades and promotions. I’m not just book smart either. I like puzzles and am good at solving them. I feel like life is full of them. This is due to my analytical mind. I analyze a situation and determine what I feel to be the best outcome and I’m pretty good at it. I say this to explain that I have the mental capacity to know when I’m being ridiculous or unreasonable.
So when my insecurities flair up there’s this little battle in my head.
Brain: Sees my husband commented (an innocent, normal comment) on a female’s Facebook.
Insecurity: Who the hell is she?
Brain: We know her. She’s that one friend he told us about. And before you get carried away, remember all the times he’s told you how crazy he is about you. Remember that you actually met her and she’s really nice. Remember that he tells you all the time how much he loves you and never wants to lose you.
Insecurities: Of course… But maybe…
Insecurities: All I’m saying is maybe you should bring it up so that you can hear it from him that she doesn’t mean anything to him outside of friendship.
Brain: Maybe you should just shut the hell up.
Insecurities: I mean just look at her. She’s really pretty. And look at that body! You haven’t been that size since…. Well probably ever! And look at her makeup. How often do you wear makeup? Like once every 3 months? Look at her hair. She’s able to get those soft pretty curls you can never get even after trying so hard.
Brain: Hmm… Maybe you have a point. Maybe I should analyze this a bit more. (Brain proceeds to dig in and go back over everything Insecurities are saying). Maybe you’re right…I mean he did like this picture of her and her boobs are practically falling out. (They’re not)
Insecurities: I told you!!! See!! He’s falling out of love with you. You’re boring and overweight. You don’t do much except play video games and watch TV with him. You aren’t as girly as he’d like. You don’t wear heels even though he loves the way you look in them. And look! She’s wearing heels in all her photos.
Smart Brain that knows better, now sits back and starts to see reason in what Insecurities are saying even though it knows there are counter arguments it could use to win this battle.
Insecurities continue indefinitely until something distracts Brain. Then later I see another picture of the same female and the same argument starts again.
I’ve come a long way since we got married, but I still have these moments and it’s really frustrating when I know I should just be confident in our relationship. We’ve been together for nearly 9 years, married for 7 of them. I can see it in his eyes that he adores me, that I’m his world. But I still can’t help having these mini battles at least once a week. Sometimes I tell him about them, but most of the time I don’t. Why burden and frustrate him more when there’s nothing he can do about it because he’s already a great husband who shows me everyday how much he loves me?