From Here to There

I’m laying awake. My eyes are heavy and my body is so, so tired. I’m yawning every 5 minutes. But here I lay, awake. I’m not sure why I don’t just go to sleep. Why didn’t I turn the show off earlier? Why do I keep playing games? Just close my eyes and go to sleep. It sounds so easy. It sounds like a really good idea. But it’s so much harder than when you are just in the next room.

It’s harder because I know you won’t be there when I wake up. It’s harder because I know if I have a bad dream you won’t be next to me to comfort me. It’s harder because the house is so much quieter without your conversation. It’s harder because your eyes aren’t here to light up the room.

I miss the sound of your voice. I miss the feel of your skin. I miss the touch of your lips. I miss the brush of your fingers against mine. I miss the random pokes while watching a show. I miss the sound of your laugh and the look you get right before you tell me how beautiful I am. I even miss the weird way you lick my shoulder sometimes… You weirdo!

Going to sleep is great, maybe I’ll see you in my dreams. But waking up is hard. I want to sleep the next two days away. I want to sleep straight through until I can see you standing in front of me. I can’t wait to wrap my arms around you and feel your strong arms engulf me. I love the way it feels to be in your arms. I love listening to your heartbeat and the rush of air filling your lungs. Waking up will be the hardest part of my day.

I need to go to sleep. It’s much too late already. I am three hours late and it’s only getting later. I miss you my bittersweet love. I miss you so acutely that my breath catches in my throat. I miss you so much I ache. My chest is tight, my stomach churns.

Your family needs you now and I’m glad you are with them. I just miss you.

So if ever doubt were to creep up. If ever you were to fear my leaving, pull up this letter and know. Know that I would be a fool to leave something that is woven into my core. I would be insane to willingly go to sleep knowing you will never again be by my side when I wake.

How could I leave what I cherish most in the world? How could I leave the one person I tell all my secrets to? How could I destroy the relationship that keeps me sane when my world is insane? How could I leave the man who puts forth effort to bring me back when my anxiety tries to take me to dark places?

You are the single most important thing in my world and without you in it, I have no world to truly live in. So here I lay, daydreaming about you and making myself miss you all the more. You really have my whole heart and there is nothing I wouldn’t do to make you happy. Here I am, sending this there. I love you. Good night.


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