There is Nothing

I’m tired. My eyelids are heavy, lead. Weights fall on my shoulders. I’m weakened. Dying. I see a river of my own blood slipping through the cracks of the cobblestone path. Dark red, clotting liquid. I feel it drip from my nose, from the gash in my head. My eyelids feel so heavy now. The world is sideways. The trees grow horizontal. The sky glows vertically. The monster steps toward me, face covered in shadow with the sun at its back. It means to finish the job. As its arms rise to deliver the final drop of death I allow my eyes to close, accepting my fate.
I wait a minute, maybe 10. Now 30 or maybe an hour. How many hours have passed? How many days? I open my eyes and find no monster there. The monster is gone, the sludge of death pulled back. I turn the world right again, then there are stars. The world is sideways again.
Am I caught somewhere between death and life? Am I in limbo? I open my eyes and still no monster greets me. Where is this behemoth who was so ready to send me away? The sun is bright. It hurts my eyes. Why is it so bright? I close my eyes again.
This time I will wake up with the monster swinging the axe. This time I will awake to the terrible outcome of my destiny. I open my eyes and now there is nothing. No light. No death. No stars. No blood. No monster.
There is nothing.

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She’s Already Won

My heart pounds in my chest.
My breath catches in my throat.
My words hitch on the tip of my tongue.
I want to call down.
I want to breath easy.
I want to say so much.
I stay silent.
I don’t utter a word.
I want to cry.
I want to scream.
I want to break something.
Tears don’t come.
My vocal chords don’t strain.
Everything stays in tact.
I cope.
I cope because that’s all I can do.
I keep it inside.
I don’t tell a soul.
I let them believe I’m strong.
I let them believe I’m brave.
“Conceal, don’t feel.” What powerful words.
My emotions are makeup.
All glitz and glamour.
I smile in the face of adversity.
“I laugh in the face of danger”.
I feel she will win.
Who am I kidding?
She already has.

Remind Me

Can you feel my heart beating?
Can you fall the rise and fall of my chest?
Do you hear the air leaving my lungs?

I lie awake night after night. I’m trying to remember something I’ve forgotten.

We all want to cry right? We all want to forget? I can’t think. I can’t sleep. I can’t breathe.

Time stops. Voices fade to muffled sounds. Death…accident…vehicle… words I’ve be unable to let go of. My vision blurs. Why can’t I let go? Why does everything remind me? A million things go through my head at once. Metal grates against metal. We’ve made it across… wait…where am I? How did this happen? Shattered glass, moaning, crying, red, orange, gray, headlights, silence, black. “What are you doing?” The words come out on their own, did I really say them? The fetal position, tuck down, silence, black.
Why does the visor have to be down? Why do I have to watch her graying face? Why is he apologizing so profusely? Why am I so calm? HOW am I so calm? “Everything will be OK”? Why do I keep saying that?
Panic, my legs! Oh god my legs!
Why does everything remind me?

To Be Silent or Not

I could update my status on Facebook.
I could throw a random fact out there.
I could share a link to an article I agree with.
Or I could stay silent.
I could post that things are going good at work, but my type of work isn’t interesting to most.
I could post about my spare time, but what’s so interesting about making dinner, reading, and watching TV.
I could post about my relationships, but people who generally do that are looking for attention and I’m not.
I could post about my thoughts on religion, but that just starts an argument.
Or I could stay silent.

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Why is it that I would much rather post about my life and all the things mentioned above on this blog than on Facebook? Maybe I feel more free because I don’t have to worry about a family member or friend taking offense to the words I say. Maybe it’s because I don’t get very many views to begin with so this is almost the equivalent of a journal. And if you’re wondering how often I journal…probably just about as much as I post on here. I used to have a ton of extra time and I would journal basically every day…I miss those days.