My parents said something a couple weeks ago that has stuck with me.
“If we had stayed Amish. I know the which of our kids would have still left.” My mom said. “Pete.” I say almost without thinking. “You.” My dad says simply pointing at me. I looked at him in confusion. “Pete is a lot of talk, but he ultimately goes along. You’ve always thought differently.” This surprised me because I’ve never really thought about how different I am.
Sometimes I wonder if I see myself in a completely different way than other people see me. I’ve always wanted more, something different than the mediocre lives I’ve grown up with. I didn’t want to be a house wife whose biggest accomplishment is keeping a clean house and raising her children. I didn’t want my only job experience to be babysitting, house cleaning, or working a check out kind. I wanted to do something great.
I just never realized that desire would actually make me different.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my family and if they are happy with their lives, that’s great for them. It just wouldn’t make me happy. My parents were always a different story too. They built their own business, always looking for the best opportunities, the best lives they could give themselves.
Growing up I didn’t think the way my peers did. I asked more questions. I’ve always analyzed what is happening around me, sometimes more than necessary. I have a need to understand all that is around me.
I married someone from a completely different world than mine. I got a job with absolutely no prior knowledge and have excelled in a field I never expected to be in. I believe differently than the majority of my family and those in my life. I listen to music that no one else in my family listens to. I watch movies that most of my peers have never even heard of. I own a cat instead of a dog (like the rest of my siblings). I’ve only ever bought used vehicles (unlike the rest of my family – I don’t see the point in making payments when the car gets you from A to B). I even take more risks with my hair, makeup, and clothes than those I grew up with.
I used to worry what people thought of me. I needed everyone to like me, but not anymore. I realized the more I worry about what they think the more I lose myself. I am already unsure of who I am so adding in what others think I should be will just cloud my vision even more. I need to see myself clearly, not the person they see me to be.
I’m nowhere near where I want to be in life. I’m still a nobody from nowhere. There aren’t many outside my immediate circle who know I exist. I’m not a household name. I don’t know what kind of legacy I’ll leave. I want to achieve some form of greatness behind when I’m gone, but what will that be?
I still haven’t figured out yet what my great achievement will be. Most of my heart desires that great achievement to have something to do with my written work. Part of it also wants it to be my photography. But I still haven’t figured out how to make any of it a reality.
I’ve been posting to this blog for a while now and I feel a sort of release in it. Even though I see views in my stats, I feel like I’m not reaching enough. I never feel like anything is enough. I always feel like I need more.
Because of my nature, my parents’ words echo in my ears and make me feel required to do more, be more. Now… How to accomplish this?


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