Tomorrow starts my 6-day challenge. I will be handling all requests and issues without my boss as backup. He’s heading overseas and this will be yet another test of my knowledge. Am I ready to run things singlehandedly? I ask myself this every time he goes on vacation and every time I feel just a little more comfortable about my skill level.
I’ve learned a lot over the last 4 years and I may not have the best memory, but I am an expert at note-taking. I have a procedure written for everything. I have step-by-step instructions for any install, set up, repair, and so on…. Or so I think. There always seem to be that one thing that creeps up when he’s gone that I’m not really familiar with.
There’s also the decisions that need to be made. That’s the scariest part. What if I decide to handle it one way and when he gets back he tells me I should have handled it a different way? My boss is a great guy, but sometimes he has a tendency to harp. He’ll tell me he would have handled it differently and then explain why and then I’ll say it makes sense and then he’ll repeat himself again. It’s his personality, I honestly don’t think he can help it. So I’ll be dreading that part of the process, but hopefully the rest of the week goes well.
Obviously the company has some faith in my ability or they wouldn’t leave me alone for a week, right?
My parents said something a couple weeks ago that has stuck with me.
“If we had stayed Amish. I know the which of our kids would have still left.” My mom said. “Pete.” I say almost without thinking. “You.” My dad says simply pointing at me. I looked at him in confusion. “Pete is a lot of talk, but he ultimately goes along. You’ve always thought differently.” This surprised me because I’ve never really thought about how different I am.
Sometimes I wonder if I see myself in a completely different way than other people see me. I’ve always wanted more, something different than the mediocre lives I’ve grown up with. I didn’t want to be a house wife whose biggest accomplishment is keeping a clean house and raising her children. I didn’t want my only job experience to be babysitting, house cleaning, or working a check out kind. I wanted to do something great.
I just never realized that desire would actually make me different.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my family and if they are happy with their lives, that’s great for them. It just wouldn’t make me happy. My parents were always a different story too. They built their own business, always looking for the best opportunities, the best lives they could give themselves.
Growing up I didn’t think the way my peers did. I asked more questions. I’ve always analyzed what is happening around me, sometimes more than necessary. I have a need to understand all that is around me.
I married someone from a completely different world than mine. I got a job with absolutely no prior knowledge and have excelled in a field I never expected to be in. I believe differently than the majority of my family and those in my life. I listen to music that no one else in my family listens to. I watch movies that most of my peers have never even heard of. I own a cat instead of a dog (like the rest of my siblings). I’ve only ever bought used vehicles (unlike the rest of my family – I don’t see the point in making payments when the car gets you from A to B). I even take more risks with my hair, makeup, and clothes than those I grew up with.
I used to worry what people thought of me. I needed everyone to like me, but not anymore. I realized the more I worry about what they think the more I lose myself. I am already unsure of who I am so adding in what others think I should be will just cloud my vision even more. I need to see myself clearly, not the person they see me to be.
I’m nowhere near where I want to be in life. I’m still a nobody from nowhere. There aren’t many outside my immediate circle who know I exist. I’m not a household name. I don’t know what kind of legacy I’ll leave. I want to achieve some form of greatness behind when I’m gone, but what will that be?
I still haven’t figured out yet what my great achievement will be. Most of my heart desires that great achievement to have something to do with my written work. Part of it also wants it to be my photography. But I still haven’t figured out how to make any of it a reality.
I’ve been posting to this blog for a while now and I feel a sort of release in it. Even though I see views in my stats, I feel like I’m not reaching enough. I never feel like anything is enough. I always feel like I need more.
Because of my nature, my parents’ words echo in my ears and make me feel required to do more, be more. Now… How to accomplish this?
This is a bit of a short story I am going to be writing. I don’t have time to sit and write the whole thing out, but it’s an idea I’ve had for a while and want to see what kind of response I get in order to decide if I should keep it going or not. So I figured I will start writing snip-its of it at least once a week (depending on my readers’ feedback) until I’ve finished it (or realized no one is interested).
I’m going to add a “Poll” to this, so please use it or comment or just “like” the post. If you don’t like it please do the same. I want honest opinions. Thanks! Hope you enjoy!
Gray eyes slowly blink open trying to clear the blurry images. Everything is quiet, so quiet. His hands look different somehow, like they aren’t his. His head feels heavy as he tries to lift it. His eyes start to focus and a rush of noise blasts his ears. People are talking, but he can’t distinguish the words. Steam is coming from somewhere and there’s a ringing in his ears now. “What’s your name?” He looks down at his legs and even though he tells them to move, they don’t budge. Maybe he could just…”Sir? Your name? What’s your name?” Someone is shouting in his ear. “Sir, can you hear me?” He nods his head. “It’s Alex.” He says as he tries again to move his legs. His voice doesn’t sound like his own, it’s too raspy. “Alex, do you know what happened?”
This couldn’t be possible. They had made it. He had seen the other side of the road. He looks at the seat in front of him. Maybe if he pushed the seat off his legs, then they would move. He looks at Rebecca’s motionless body, her head resting against …well nothing. The window that her head should have been pressed against was gone. “Alex, I called an ambulance. They should be here any minute.” The sun visor of the passenger seat was flipped down and in it he saw the graying face of his best friend. Jeremy moaned and a small drop of yellow liquid dripped down his chin. “My legs.” As he looked down at his legs again, seeing the door pushed in against them and the seat pressed back further than it was, what he felt to be, a minute ago, he started to realize why they wouldn’t move. “I can’t feel my legs!”
He heard sirens in the distance and looked into the stranger’s face next to him. “I can’t feel my legs!” Within 5 seconds’ time, lines from every medical show he’d ever watched and words from every survival guide he’d ever read flew through his mind at once. “We have to unpin my legs!” The thought of never walking sent a terrifying shiver through to his core. At that moment everything else faded. At that moment all he could think about was the loss of his legs. The thought of sitting in a wheel chair for the rest of his life. Thoughts of never playing football on Thanksgiving day with his family. Thoughts of never running after his nieces and nephews. Terror would be considered a soft term for what he truly felt. Naively he still thought that if they just moved the seat and pulled the door back, he’d be able to just get right up and walk away. Jeremy moaned again and, although he didn’t think Jeremy could even here him, he still squeezed his shoulder. “Everything will be OK.”
The sirens grew louder and then stopped as the paramedics jumped out of the bus and came running toward the car.
I’m so stressed I feel I could vomit. I’m trying really hard not to think about it. I’m trying really hard to let go. I don’t know what has changed in the last year, but I can’t seem to take it as well as I used to. I want to escape, I want to hide. I feel like the walls are closing in, this space is getting smaller. I feel like I could puke, I feel like I could…
I remind myself that things could be worse. I tell myself there are people who are in a way more terrible situation than I am. I try to see that I have a roof over my head, I have food to eat, a car to drive, and a job to work. I have all the necessities. I have everything I NEED.
“Stop your complaining. Wipe those tears away.” I tell myself sternly. “You’re doing OK. Everything will be OK.” I’m just having a hard time seeing that on a regular basis and even as I write this, even as I tell myself these things, I’m still sick to my stomach. I’m still gripped with fear.
I try not to think about the fact she is trying to take our little girl away. I try not to think about the unavoidable debt that is starting to pile up. I try not to think about the hard years to come (only 3 more, right? 4 max). But can I do another 4 like this? I need to find something to relieve my stress. Some way to feel my escape. I feel like the years keep stretching. Even though we’re closer now, it feels further than ever.
I think I’ll go to sleep early tonight. Maybe sleep will have to be my escape.
This “life hack”didn’t exactly rewire my brain to be happier, but it did make me realize there are a few things I’m thankful for on a daily basis.
1) my husband
2) my family
3) my job
Through this exercise I realized what is most important to me. What I’d be most devastated to lose and what drives me to keep pushing even when I feel like I can’t push any harder.
I’m mentally tired. I’m tired of the excuses I make. I’m tired of being a complete scatter brain. I see potential in myself to be great, but I feel like there is a version of me holding me back. I feel like the 18 year old in me keeps whispering you’re not good enough, you’re not old enough, you’re not experienced enough. I sometimes feel like I have these ideas and this drive, but there’s always this little voice in the back of my head that’s saying “Why would anyone listen to you? You don’t have enough experience to speak on that. Do you REALLY know what you’re talking about?” And then I start to doubt myself. I start to shrink back into this goofy, quirky, 18 year old who wants to fade into the background and let everyone else make the decisions. This happens even more often when I do decide to take charge and then fail. When I make a mistake I focus on it, analyze it, replay it, and reanalyze it. I can’t let it go. Failure is not an option, but it is always a possibility and that’s what scares me the most. Failure.
Wow! I just got really off topic. Anyway, I push through all the crap and self-doubt because I love my husband and family and I don’t want to let them down. I may not be the best at what I do. I may not have the best memory in the world. And I may be the most organized scatter brain there is, but I make it work.
So in conclusion; although I disagree that coming up with three things a day to be grateful for will “rewire” your brain to be happy, I do think you will end up finding what your are MOST grateful for and what is most important to you.
1) I’m grateful we had a great wedding photographer. I was just going through our wedding photos and she really did do a great job, not to mention she helped with a ton of other stuff throughout the day.
2) I’m grateful for the app Study Blue. It has helped me a lot with my studies!
3) I’m grateful for weekends! The break from work is very refreshing!
1) I’m grateful for a happy, energetic kitten. He’s really nice to have around when my husband is working. He always makes me laugh because he does some of the silliest things.
2) I’m grateful for the creators of WordPress.com! I’m grateful they provide a free place for me to lay out my thoughts.
3) I’m grateful that my husband pushed me to buy the mustang when I had the money. Sometimes when I’m down I just remind myself that I have a ’67 mustang fastback title with my name on it. That I can touch the car of my dreams whenever I want. She isn’t complete yet (and far from it), but at least I own her.
1) I’m grateful for a husband who understands when I’ve had a rough day at work and just relaxes/cuddles with me on the couch all night.
2) I’m grateful for the sound of rain at night. It’s one of my absolute favorite sounds!
3) I’m grateful for a comfortable bed to fall asleep in. I’m dead tired tonight!
1) I’m grateful for… I’m at a loss tonight. I feel like I’m running out of unique stuff. Ice been trying to avoid the cliché/corny stuff (like a bed to sleep in, clothes on my back etc…) And not repeat the same thing twice. It’s really hard to come up with three things that are different every day. Most of the time I’m sincerely grateful for something I’ve already mentioned. For example, tonight I’m extremely grateful for my husband. I’m grateful for the way he makes me laugh, for his constant playing around, for his companionship. I’m grateful for my parents who give to their kids with everything they can. They are two of the most selfless people I know. I’m grateful for my sight. I’m grateful that I can see my husband’s eyes. There are moments that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m the only woman he loves just by the way he looks at me. I’m grateful I’m blessed enough to be able to really see that. I’m grateful that I get to hear his voice and, especially, his laugh. I love hearing him laugh. I think for these last 5 days I’m just going to say whatever I REALLY feel that day, without trying to avoid saying the same thing twice or sounding corny.
Finally – today I’m grateful for sleep! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………………