My Thoughts

I can’t stop them. I can’t contain them. They swirl and run together. They surround me, my head spins. They press against me, crushing the air I’m trying to breath. This one says I need a break, that one says I don’t have time for a break. I try to figure out which one to listen to, which one is looking out for my best interest. Why don’t they leave me alone? Even when I’m trying to sleep they are there, nagging me, keeping me awake. There are so many.

“Read this book.”
“Talk to him.”
“Remember to call her.”
“Don’t forget to stop there.”
“Remember to go there.”
“Send that email.”
“Make that chart.”
“Did you remember what to do?”
“Are you paying attention?”
“Are you listening?” 

“STOP!” I shout with my hands over my ears and my eyes shut tight.
Take a deep breath, I whisper to myself.

“I read part of the book, I’ll finish it later. I talked to him yesterday. I’ll call her tomorrow. I can stop there on my way home. I went there this morning. I’ll send the email in a minute. I already made the chart. I remember it all. I’ve listened to everything – every fucking word.”

I make then stop. I force them to be silent. You will not control me. You will not consume me. In this moment I am my own. In this moment I will have peace. This is my time. My time to be who I am and do what I want. Tomorrow you may come back, and I will deal with you then, but today I am done.

Today my thoughts are silent.

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